Why I was away
6 months postpartum. I was struggling, depressed, grieving over everything that was lost.
As I started to emerge out of an extended, tumultuous postpartum period, I realized that I don't know who I am anymore.
I tried to find myself in the eyes of others... But that was not the right place to begin with.
eyes that judge, eyes that praise, eyes that expect, eyes that put conditions, eyes that envy... eyes that don't really know the real me. Eyes that are weak... that see distortions based on their own limited perceptions. How could they possibly be my answer?
I could look within... but all I witnessed in my moments of vulnerability and weakness is my need to belong. A familiar place. A place I could rest. A place where love and acceptance wouldn't come with conditions. A place where I could be safe.
I couldn't just jump back into this visible work of building community. I needed inner strength, space to grow in quiet solitude.
What started there was a period of going inwards, embracing the discomfort, of not knowing, not moving.
Surrendering and trusting the One - All knowing, All hearing. The Only Constant, Never Changing. Consistently Loving, Merciful.
It was reminders from my husband that comforted me. (This particular clip is from a video I spontaneously recorded an hour before his flight. This was last year, as he was leaving for India. He saw my struggles and shared some reflections from Surah Duha. These words and many such words from the book of Allah have slowly healed me. Watch the full video on Youtube using this link: Click Here)
One of the gifts of trials is that they reveal things... hidden realities of things. I couldn't place value on things quite the same way. The form, the externalities, the outwardly.
All public spaces became spaces of noise, distraction and deception. They had nothing to offer me. So I walked away and left many spaces. It has been a long year of embracing the darkness, of allowing the slow, painful but important work of the unending night.
I had to turn to Allah's book for guidance, for comfort. It centered me, grounded me in truth. It nurtured a part of me that has become independent of a sense of "me".
It is a gift from Allah.
I have finally found myself in the remembrance of my Lord.
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